Category Archives: Transgender

Out of the Woodwork

Published / by rmaddy / Leave a Comment

Minnesota…ever a blue state.

We’ve doubled, it seems.  In 2011, the William Institute (UCLA School of Law) estimated that 3 out of every 1000 Americans–a total of 700,000–identified as transgender.  Now, their most recent study suggests that the actual figure is twice as high.  1.4 million, or 0.6%, of Americans identify as transgender.  The vivid blue color of my home state, above, indicates that Minnesota has the highest proportion of transgender residents in the midwest.1

I see this as very, very good news.  At this rate, we will take over the world in less than 40 years, well ahead of schedule.  Long live the transgender agenda!  Chill the champagne and check to see if Lady Gaga is busy in the summer of 2055…

Of course, it might just be possible that the doubled estimate has nothing whatsoever to do with an increase in transgender people.  More mice crawling out of the woodwork could owe to a bumper crop of pinkies,2 but it might also mean that the cat has gone on vacation.  Translation:  it is likely that more transgender people are being identified because they are less afraid to be out.


Being transgender in a small town can be a lonely business, but not everything is as it seems.  Before I came out (somewhat before the 2011) survey, I could have never imagined that there were 20 other trans people in my little hamlet.  If this were the case, why wouldn’t I have already met some?  Such is the ironic reasoning of the closeted individual.  Invisible at the time myself, I wondered that others were not more apparent.

Eventually3 I realized that I hadn’t met other transgender people because I had never tried, and I really wasn’t paying much attention.  Further, I came to grips with the fact that I was afraid to meet others like me.  What if I didn’t like them?

I got out more.  I tried a couple of support groups.  Most of all, I stepped out into the open myself.  There is simply no better way to meet transgender people than to be openly transgender4  Fairly quickly I discovered that belonged to a largish cohort of people that I had never even noticed before.

Additionally, I found that the skill of noticing gets better with practice.  Walking through my town festival last week, I spotted several transgender people in the crowd.  There is sort of a secret nod that increasingly happens.  In my medical practice, I meet upwards of 1000 people every year.  I suppose that my social interactions add a few hundred more.  The current research suggests that about 1 out of every 170 are trans.  I do directly experience that proportion, but I no longer doubt that it is the case.  Not everyone who is trans is noticeably so.  Some are not out at all and are performing their expected gender.  Others have the privilege of passing,5.  And, if I’m honest, most of the time I’m still not paying attention.

I still feel like a zebra among horses, but there really is a degree of strength in numbers.  Besides, one could do far worse than to be a zebra.

Vote Trans 2016

Published / by rmaddy / 1 Comment on Vote Trans 2016

What a difference a year makes.  At this point last fall, I predicted that anti-transgender bills would continue to proliferate (as they did in 2015) and that transgender rights would remain a contentious issue in state and national politics.  Instead, 2016 has become a referendum on economic and racial grievance as well as an increasingly nauseating contest of personalities.  Yippee!  We’re off of the hot seat, at least for the time being.

I’m sure that your political views, like mine are a conglomeration of a variety of opinions to which you give degrees of weight as you approach election day.  Trans issues, as you might expect, are weighted rather strongly in my calculus.  That you are reading this at all leads me to expect that you assign some importance to transgender politics, but what, if anything, does that mean in a practical sense as one enters the voting booth?  In other words, what might it look like to “vote trans” in November if nothing else mattered to you?

Presidential

Four candidates remain for the Presidency.  Reading “from left to right”, their positions on transgender issues are as follows:

Jill Stein–thoroughly on record in favor of LGBT rights, she also states explicitly that transgender rights fall under the heading of existing protections against discrimination based on sexual identity (similar to the declaration in the Minnesota Human Rights Act of 1993, which defines transgender identity as a sexual orientation).  Some trans advocates chafe at this designation.1  Nevertheless, this approach works has resulted in durable human rights protection for trans people wherever it has been enacted.  In other words, there is a semantic quibble, but no broad concern on policy direction.

Hillary Clinton–consistently supportive of transgender rights and inclusive of trans people within her circle of advisors.  As Secretary of State she changed changed the internal policies to prevent anti-trans discrimination and re-wrote the procedures for issuance of a passport such that trans people do not need to prove a history of genital surgery prior to changing their gender marker.

Donald Trump–apparently personally disinterested in LGBT rights as a political issue.  There is no evidence that he discriminates against LGBT employees in his business.  His only public comment on trans rights during the current campaign indicated a belief that transgender people should be allowed to use the bathroom facilities with which they felt comfortable.  Due to a reaction from his party, he subsequently walked this back, saying that he would “leave it up to the states.”

Despite managing to insult nearly everyone during this campaign, he has not made any truly inflammatory remarks against trans people.  He somewhat famously said that if Caitlyn Jenner came to his hotel, she could use the women’s room.  During primary season, his relatively easy-going attitude about the LGBT community stood in stark contrast to the nearly daily anti-trans pronouncements of his closest Republican rival, Ted Cruz.

That said, trans people have some cause to be wary of Trump’s candidacy, if not his personal opinions.  First, trans people aren’t generally comfortable with dealing with transgender rights at the state level.  During a recent business trip, my stopover was changed from Phoenix to Dallas/Ft Worth.  On landing, I could not recollect whether using the women’s room was illegal, and I believed (with some cause) that the local culture in which I found myself was substantially more hostile than the Land of 10,000 Lakes.  When, in the past, we have left civil rights up to the states, the end result has tended to look like a historical re-enactment of the Confederate succession.

Second, Trump nominated Mike Pence to serve as VP.  Pence was the pioneer of so-called “religious freedom laws” at the state level (as governor of Indiana) which were written in such a way as to open the door for sanctioned discrimination against LGBT people.  True, he ended up walking back this stance after threats of a national boycott, but he established the template that North Carolina, Mississippi  and others would subsequently follow.  The media have tended to interpret the appointment of Pence steadiness to counterbalance Trump’s erratic nature.  LGBT people see Pence as a dog whistle to culture warriors.

Third, Trump’s publish list of potential judicial appointments (which was lifted wholesale from a pre-existing RNC list), includes a number of justices who have already voiced opposition to gay and transgender rights.  Whatever Trump’s personal tolerance toward LGBT people, he shows no reluctance whatsoever to throw us under the bus to appease his base.

Gary Johnson–supports LGBT rights in general, stating a libertarian desire to “keep government out of the bedroom.”  Although he has not said much about transgender rights, he was early, at least among conservatives, to support marriage equality.

In summary, a voter prioritizing candidate stances on transgender rights above all else would have most cause to trust Clinton, but might comfortably end up backing Johnson or Klein as well.  Trump the man doesn’t seem to harbor any personal animus against trans people,2 but Trump the candidate has taken on associates and policies far more hostile to the advancement of LGBT rights in calculated moves on the pathway toward his election.

In the grand scheme of things, however, the trans-conscious voter probably would not sweat the Presidential election too much, if at all.  The reason for this you have already guessed:  the battle lines in the battle for transequality are drawn not so much in Washington DC as in the state houses, city councils and school boards.

As I mentioned, the wave of specifically anti-trans legislation (mainly bathroom bills) we saw last year seems to be losing a bit of energy.  There are a few reasons for this.  First and foremost, the corporate response to such legislation was swift and unambiguous.  Companies will halt expansion or worse in states that pass bigoted laws.  Transphobia, like homophobia is bad for business.

Second, in anything beyond the reddest of states, voter backlash is a real problem for those facing election.  I have previously written about the 2012 Republican implosion in Minnesota after their bigoted crusade of 2010.  More recently, Governor McCrory, the architect of North Carolina’s anti-trans bathroom law is poised to lose his re-election campaign, and there is concern within that state’s GOP that the backlash against McCrory might spill over into the Presidential election, essentially blocking Trump from any chance of victory.  If McCrory loses, which seems increasingly likely, his political career is over.

Finally, state and federal courts are ruling against such laws.  There is a growing sense that the issue of transgender equality will be resolved much in the same way that marriage equality was in 2015.  Both pro- and anti-equality advocates suspect that a game-changing ruling is coming, making expenditure of political capital on what will likely prove to be temporary legislation does not make sense.  Instead, each side is nationalizing the fight, hoping for a more favorable court.  Meanwhile, trans-conscious voters can become more savvy voters by carefully listening for the dog whistles within the broader campaigns.

The most shrill is that religious freedom is under attack.3  Of what does this attack consist?  If the “corrective” legislation is any indication, the threat is that it is becoming more difficult to discriminate against others with impunity.  In addition to anti-trans proposals, there are growing movements to favor “European”4 and Christian immigration despite the fact that the most severely oppressed refugees are brown and Muslim.  Churches still pay no taxes, enjoy broad protections to discriminate in their hiring/firing practices even when it violates federal law, and polls regularly demonstrate that Republicans would sooner vote for Democrats and vice versa far more readily than either would vote for an atheist.

Lately, an even louder chorus is booming: we must protect our children.  Not from poverty, inadequate education, measles, air pollution, racism or school shootings.  No–our children are threatened by transgender kids, who are willing to subject themselves to anxiety, social ostracism and daily abuse in hopes of seeing your kid partially naked before gym class.  Be afraid.  Be very afraid.


At the beginning of this post, I enjoined you into a thought experiment in which you would vote based on transgender issues alone.  Let us put that thinking aside once again.  I do not advocate one-issue voting.  Nevertheless, if someone you know is transgender, or if trans people simply matter to you in general, elections are a time of great angst and greater opportunity.  I would ask you simply to factor our concerns into your electoral calculus.  Whatever your political assumptions, please do not leave your voting decisions until the afternoon of November 8.  Read.  Ask.  Contact.  Consider.

Vote.

Puberty–The Sequel

Published / by rmaddy / 1 Comment on Puberty–The Sequel

Time flies when one is sitting on one’s ass, soaking up the scents and sounds of summer and not writing a blog post before its time.  Tempus fugit…it’s time.  I spin for you today a medical odyssey, about why I decided to revisit the biochemical shitstorm of adolescence, what I gained and lost along the way and my best guesses about what lies ahead.

I speak, of course, about cross gender hormone therapy, which I will hereafter abbreviate as HRT.1  You have likely gathered that I am not especially reluctant to make personal disclosures2 about my gender identity.  In fact, in this case, I find it preferable.  After the experience of being closeted, I dislike secrets in general, and speaking about my medical choices openly not only spares me the nuisance of potentially having other people speculate about them privately, but also provides some comfort those who might otherwise might misinterpret some of the physical changes discussed below as illness.

I made the decision to start HRT in hopes of feeling better.  Specifically, despite good I made the decision to start HRT in hopes of feeling bettersocial support, regular counseling and antidepressants I continued to experience fairly crippling gender dysphoria.3  Over the years I did my best to put a brave face on, but those closer to me tended to notice that I was anxious as hell and at best “getting by”.  Short of hormonal therapy, I felt that I had done everything else I could to address my daily distress.  Unfortunately, they didn’t solve my actual problem–the unrelenting sense that I was living the wrong life.  Case in point:

I recall roughly 18 months ago, sitting in Dairy Queen with my son and his girlfriend.  I was so strung out on antidepressants that I was falling asleep in my french fries.  He grabbed my hand in almost a parental way and said, “Dad, why are you taking medicine when it only makes you feel worse?”  I was just alert enough to realize that this was a damn good question.  Not every day was such an exercise in misery, but I certainly got the sense, over the long haul, that I was painting over the cobwebs, caught in a downward spiral and unable to break my fall.4

Improved mental health was therefore my primary goal..  Still it is undeniable that I recognized that I would potentially be given a tantalizing opportunity to see life through different eyes.  Regular readers might be thinking, “Wait! You have tended to dismiss most accounts of male/female brain differences as not only greatly overstated, but also carrying significant potential for justifying sexism.”  Quite so.  Still, the distinction I make is that while both men and women have versatile brains with amazing and essentially equal capabilities, it still might feel better for a brain which continues to recycle thoughts of being the opposite gender might feel better with the hormones associated with that gender.5  Well, along comes a chance to discover whether this opinion would hold up under the weight of personal experience.

Therefore I decided to keep, for my own edification and that of any other 50-ish transwoman6 who might be considering the same course, a symptom diary chronicling any changes I encountered as they happened.

Soon I learned that this was madness.  The timescale of hormonally-influenced change does not lend itself well to real-time reporting.  Within a couple of days, I realized that what I was doing was akin to watching the moon track from one horizon to the other.  Sure, you can stare at it from east to west, but most of the time it looks like it’s just hanging there, and you might be better off taking a nap and coming back to check its progress later.  It has now been a year–nap time is over.  Here is what I noticed, roughly in order:

My nipples hurt.  As in really hurt…starting within a week.  For several days I assumed this was my imagination.  Until, that is, I ended up clumsily juggling a box as I was carrying a load of junk into the garage.  It bumped against my chest and produced an instantaneous stream of tears which clarified the situation.  Something was already happening in my breasts.

My first thought was, “WTF.”  Then, “One week?  WTF?”  Recall that my primary goal for HRT was improved mental health.  Of course I knew that physical changes were just as likely, but my research had led me to believe that as a Way-Post-Adolescent patient, not much was going to happen in the mammary department.  That much is probably still true, but I had more or less expected that I would be able to figure out whether estrogen was good for my brain long before it had much effect on my body.  This, indeed, was my brilliant plan.

With that delusion safely in the wastebasket, I immediately had to reconsider under what conditions I would remain on HRT.  I had not made a lasting and permanent decision to take estrogen.  Now that I knew that physical changes were definitely going to proceed mental, I deftly reframed the “experiment” of therapy. I would give HRT a “reasonable amount of time” to work on my psyche, then decide whether or not to continue.  “Reasonable amount of time”, in this context, now meant “Damned if I know”.  Farewell, Caution, my dear friend.

Fortunately, I suppose, nipple-itis was the only thing that happened for quite some time.  It also settled down to a dull roar after about 3 month.  Although HRT produced more of a “flip of a switch” change in my hormonal balance than adolescent females likely experience, I assume that they experience something similar.  Let’s just say that I overlooked this morsel of information the first time around and never got around to reading the memo.  At any rate, I had re-entered puberty with reckless abandon.  What could possibly be more quintessentially adolescent than awkward body changes followed by a big, fat juicy helping of nothing in particular?  “Here you go, my child.  I grant you proof that your body is changing and equally compelling evidence that it is not.  Enjoy.”

During the next few months my discoveries were few.  I alluded to one of them in the preamble.  I discovered that I was overthinking the issue.  It was neither useful nor healthy to pick my brain for signs of new ways of thinking than it was to measure my chest regularly.  This did not, of course, stop me from doing either, but I put the “symptom journal” away, thereby saving me a colossal waste of time7

The second came in a eureka moment while exercising.  I did not smell like festering, putrid death.  My spouse reports that she sometimes gets grossed out by her body odor after a workout, but in terms of acrid, buzzard-gagging funk, she has never been my equal.  Rather abruptly, my sweat chemistry seemed to have changed.  I do not sweat any less–at least I think I don’t8–but I clearly sweat differently.  It was subtle, but undeniable.  I now had two clear changes to report, and the second, like the first, was physical.  Mostly physical, anyway.  I took pleasure in the change in my scent.  It felt distinctly positive.

I suppose by this time I was about 2 to 2 1/2 months into therapy.  Everything else was business as usual.  I continued seeing my counselor, thus affording an opportunities to reflect on the latest answer to the question, “What’s new?”  I tried to exercise regularly, although I didn’t really keep up.  I kept blogging.  I wondered if HRT would ever be something I would want to disclose.  I watched the leaves of summer turn to gold.  I waited.  And waited.  And waited.

Perhaps waiting is too strong of a word.  It would be closer to the truth to say that I forgot, at least to the extent that it is possible to forget something that involved giving oneself a weekly injection in the leg and taking a pill every morning and night9 which more or less guaranteed that the nights would involve quality time in the bathroom.  Enter emotional observation #2.  After several weeks of learning to get over the crazy-overblown fear of needles, I started to look forward to Wednesday mornings.  As much as I hated the shot (it’s not bad–estrogen is a bit syrupy, but doesn’t sting), it felt worthwhile to do it.  I’m not exactly sure why.  Perhaps it was ritualism.10  I speculated at the time that perhaps I was patting myself on the back for the small potatoes bravery of doing something mildly uncomfortable for purposes of feeling better, even though I didn’t feel better yet.

Until I did.  When it comes right down to it, I can’t put my finger on when precisely I noticed.  My best guess is November, roughly four months in.  Partially, this is because I had developed a recent ritual of going bat-shit crazy in November and this year I didn’t.  Instead, I asked my psychiatrist if he had any objection to me tapering off my anti-depressants.  When he asked my why, I said that I didn’t feel like I needed them any more.

I would beg the reader not to see this as a euphoric salvation story.  I still struggle with my mental health rather fiercely.  I am at least as prone to anxiety as before, for example.  I’m just feel better overall.

Mission accomplished, as far as I am concerned.  Barring some major development that forces me to reconsider, I intend to stay on HRT indefinitely.  Physical changes ended up being fairly minimal, at least so far.  They may or may not continue, but these were never the objective.  The way I saw it, changing my body would be of no value whatsoever if it did not change my brain.  In ways that are too vague to describe and too striking to ignore, my brain is changing–barely…I think.  I described it to my friend thusly:  “It’s still my same old brain, but now it’s marinating in the right sauce.”

That’s it, for the most part.  I keep waiting for some biochemical shoe to drop.  Supposedly, my body fat will redistribute.  Ironically, I’ve lost a shit-ton of weight recently, and I just look a bit more gaunt.11  There is nothing to redistribute.  This brings me back to boobs.  Very little followed the initial discomfort.  I transiently gained, but subsequently lost, about an inch on my “first measurement”.  If it looks like my bust line has changed, it’s mostly that I have figured out how to dress.

I would be remiss if I did not add that for every action, there is indeed an equal and opposite reaction.  Taking estrogen does’t make one’s penis fall off exactly, but let’s just say it’s not growth serum either.  Needing to draw a curtain of privacy somewhere, I’ll not say more other than that decreased male sexual expression neither caught me by surprise nor bothered me much.  Why would it?  I’m transgender.

I remain curious.  Will my second adolescence leave me feeling more at home in my skin than the first?  Will I wake up some day having forgotten male privilege?  Alas…these remain works in progress.  Meanwhile, I wait.  I reflect.  I measure.  But I should not look so often.  The moon makes its way, ever so slowly toward the western horizon.

Transgender Parenting

Published / by rmaddy / 4 Comments on Transgender Parenting

I take it as as sign of remarkable progress that no one wished me a Happy Mother’s Day this year.  Earlier on, this happened fairly often…certainly understandable given my gender transition.  There are no published data, but I suspect most transgender parents switch parental titles right along with their names and pronouns.  The fact that I didn’t do so probably makes me a bit of an outlier.  1The absence of maternally-themed well wishes therefore reflects a nuanced understanding of my story which was not evident in earlier years and which I greatly appreciate.

Of course I found myself secretly wishing this morning that I wouldn’t be wished Happy Father’s Day, either.  I welcome the sentiment, but mismatched gender cues sting the ears even when clearly offered with the finest of intentions.  It’s all a bit messy, isn’t it?  Sorry.2

To my kids, though, I am still “Dad”.  This reflects a number of different things particular to my own personal thinking and circumstance, and not necessarily representative of the trans community in general.  First, I have watched my spouse take up and embody the fullness and beauty of motherhood in an an intuitive way that I have never experienced.   I would personally think it hubris, if not sacrilege to see myself as her equal.  Read this with a generous helping of “in my experience”.  Many other trans people negotiate their family dynamics in other equally valid ways based on their own personal understandings.  Perhaps my late transition is part of what makes motherhood inconceivable for me personally.

Second, “Dad” is not nearly so much a gendered word for me as the description of a role that I continue to play and refine.  Though parents of either gender may do so, the blend of qualities I bring to the table–provider, planner, rough-houser-in-chief, clown, person-who-puts-things-on-the-high-shelf, law-giver, rascal and repairman are still somewhat more associated in my consciousness, if not the collective American social consciousness, with male parenting.  At some point along the way, I had to ask my children to re-imagine me in light of transition.  This was difficult enough without depriving them of the contributions which they had come to expect from me and for which I continue to have some degree of aptitude.

Finally, and unsurprisingly to those of you regularly reading my ramblings, I simply haven’t figured out a better solution yet.  I wade into the water.  My son and I especially have had several conversations over the last year about the potential risks of being called “Dad” in public.  Not all attention is positive attention, and though I don’t expect I pass to observant folk, neither do I think it is wise to attract unnecessary scrutiny.  Further, the fact that I have given him no better alternative label to use means that way he refers to me in my absence reinforces masculine expectations about me among his friends and associates in a way that is potentially awkward later on.  It might not be ideal, but frankly, it was hard enough for us all to adapt to “Renae”.  One of our friends, through a incident too convoluted to relate, has taken to calling my son “Evil”, and she suggested that perhaps I should be accordingly referred to as The Progenitor of Evil.  Works for me…if only it rolled a little more quickly off the tongue.

 

Outlawing Trans

Published / by rmaddy / 1 Comment on Outlawing Trans

Enough already.

North Carolina is not an outlier.  More than 30 anti-transgender bathroom bills have been proposed since the first of the year, and this week the shameless carnival came to my not-so-red state of Minnesota.  Locally, the proposal stands little chance of passing the legislature and none of escaping the Governor’s veto, but such pragmatic considerations were insufficient to prevent high-profile hearings, during which Republican sponsors publicly equated transgender women with voyeurs, pedophiles and rapists.  As is often the case in election years, the viability of legislative proposals is beside the point.  Of course they are delighted when a bill succeeds, but the viral proliferation of anti-trans proposals is more about messaging:

Fear not, culture warriors.  Stick with us through one more election.  Marriage equality was a setback, not a loss.  The front may have shifted, but the larger campaign goes on.  

2016 is open season on transgender Americans.


The ostensible justification for banning transgender people from restrooms corresponding to their identity is the privacy and protection of women and children.  Opening the bathroom door to transfolk will, we are told, unleash salivating hordes of predators and peeping toms upon unsuspecting innocents.  To be sure, protecting the vulnerable whenever possible is certainly a right and proper function of government; it simply has nothing whatsoever to do with the bills in question.  Transwomen have been using women’s restrooms all along.  There have been no reports of either transwomen harassing others in the privy, nor of non-transgender predators posing as transwomen to gain access to the Ladies’.  Where was the public safety crisis in 2010?  2005?  2000?

Further, every danger imagined by opponents of transgender bathroom access is already a crime.  Harassment, indecent exposure, assault, invasions of privacy, rape–all are fully prosecutable under existing statutes, and a transgender person committing such acts would face the same consequences as anyone else committing such an act.  Creepy behavior in a public restroom is illegal because it is creepy behavior, not because of who does it.

The implication of anti-transgender bills is that transgender people enter public restrooms as predators.  There is simply no evidence for this. We go to pee, and the facilities already equipped with private stalls, in which the chances of seeing anyone else in a state of undress is essentially zero.1 We do not go to to make a sociopolitical statement, but rather to relieve ourselves so that we can get back to what we are doing as soon as possible.  We are not–I must stress–not, “men in the ladies’ room,” because we are not men.  The genitals that we were born with demonstrably do not prevent us from acting in a civilized manner toward others, and whether or not we have left them surgically unaltered is frankly none of anyone’s business.  They are called private parts for a reason.

All of you, both men and women, have shared public facilities with transgender people many times in the past.  Most of the time you probably didn’t notice, and in any case you were done no harm.  Nevertheless much harm can come to transgender people and others when they are forced, as the bills prescribe, to use the bathroom associated with the sex on their original birth certificate.  It was not only because I was being ridiculed and occasionally threatened in the men’s room that I switched.  Some men who encountered me would visibly panic when I walked in, whether they were sure I was in the wrong place or worried that they were.  The nicest confrontation I recall was a guy who was walking out as I was walking in.  As he saw me, he froze, checked himself, then said.  “Miss?  You’re in the wrong room.”2

I quite agree.  However, what seemed obvious to both that poor guy and me is lost on an increasing number of conservative politicians.  They are not seeking to protect the privacy of women,3 but rather to make it legally difficult for us to function socially or professionally.  Their seething, absurdist rhetoric casts little doubt that they see us as delusional sociopaths.  Don’t be misled by them, my friends.  Dehumanizing transgender people does not make anyone else safer.  It just makes us feel like shit.

I am NOT Cait.

Published / by rmaddy / 4 Comments on I am NOT Cait.

I love medical students.  They’re just crazy enough to do what I did 25 years ago, but haven’t yet had the idealism beaten out of them.  They are young, driven, and honestly, a hell of a lot smarter than I was at the time, let alone now.  Meeting with them, I see their stars rising as mine slowly sets, and yet they afford me opportunity to feel on top of a social situation.   “You know that thing you want to do?  That you are betting your entire future on?  That you think about, dream about and obsess about until you can nearly taste it?  I’ve been there.  Done that.”1

So, when my psychiatrist asked if he could interview me in front of his medical students, who were studying gender and sexuality, I allowed as how it sounded like a lot of fun.   I was expecting a handful of students, but ended up with the entire first year class–50 or so–a much better number for me.  I am substantially more comfortable in front of a crowd than I am within an intimate circle, and I was definitely going to need to get comfortable.  I understood going in that I was a rara avis to be dissected, and that their scientific curiosity would express itself in some very personal, intimate questions.

The hour did not disappoint.  One student’s brilliant question2 gave me early occasion to point out that, contrary to worn cliché, there is such a thing as a stupid question.  Without further clarification on my part, the students artfully avoided the most cringeworthy ones.  Still, this was a psychiatry class, and they did ask tough, personal questions.  When did I know?  Were there earlier inklings?  How had my sex life been affected?  How did we manage to stay together as a family?  Was I having problems at work?  And what do I think about Caitlyn Jenner…

Just as in 2016 all Americans are expected to have an opinion on Donald Trump, so also must all trans-people be ready with an opinion about Cait Jenner.  I tell you now what I related to them then–that coming out is hard, and that coming out in front of a billion or more people must be harder still; that I recognize that she is a shameless self-promoter, but that I am old enough to know that this has been part of her DNA since at least 1976; that trans people don’t undergo personality transplants.  We work out gender shift within the context of who we already are.  I think she has made some missteps, but that so have we all, and I wouldn’t call her out.

Until this headline…

Caitlyn Jenner Wants to Be ‘Trans Ambassador’ for Ted Cruz

WTF.  I mean seriously…what the fucking fuck?

Being Ted Cruz’s transgender ambassador would be roughly equivalent to being the Teletubby ambassador to Mordor.  Cruz regularly equates transgender people with sexual predators.  He makes appearances and receives support from pastors who are not just anti-gay, but thoroughly on record as wanting to rid the nation of LGBT people.  He devotes particular political energy to railing against protections for transgender children.  That his five year old “knows there is a difference between boys and girls” is a regular punch line in his smarmy stump speeches.  Some people are beyond persuasion.  The best thing one can do regarding Cruz on transgender issues is to fight like hell to make sure he never gets elected.

I empathize with Cait as a fellow sojourner…a late-transitioning MTF transsexual who managed for a long season to bear the unwelcome burdens of masculine expectation, always longing for a different one to carry.  I understand that she needs to be her own person and follow her own beliefs. Nevertheless, I cringe when she has four minute conversations with notoriously bigoted pastors, then acts as if some major breakthrough has occurred.  Or when she visits with urban underclass women facing pressures she could never imagine, helpfully suggesting that maybe they should just “get a job.”  Now she expresses her immense admiration for Ted Cruz and wants to help him on transgender issues.

There are good reasons why transgender people are wary of the GOP.  Without a single exception, proposals to limit transgender rights have arisen from Republican legislatures or executives.  We understand the codes.  “Protecting our children” means kicking trans kids out of sports, clubs or bathrooms.  “Defending the family” means legally invalidating trans or gay partnerships.  “Defending religious liberty” means enacting laws which allow people to justify discrimination against LGBT people on the basis of their beliefs.3These things are not just coming from the far right fringes.  They are mainstream Republican policies.  They want judges who will “strictly interpret the Constitution,” by which they mean bolstering the 2nd Amendment (guns) and gutting the 14th (equal protection under the law for all citizens).  Candidates for major office actually promote their hostility to transgender rights as positives, egged on by their rank and file.  I’m sure just as many trans people come from conservative backgrounds as from progressive, but it’s damned hard to stay there if you are paying attention.  Cait clearly is not.

Through no fault of her own4, the general public sees Cait as a leader if not the leader of the American trans community.  Well, I’m not Cait, and many within the trans community are becoming frustrated with the extent to which she does not seem to grasp the issues which bear on us most acutely.

Why should she?  This is all new for her.  Coming out for Jenner has brought social promotion, positive attention and a resurgence of financial potential.  It usually does the opposite.  She is totally unconstrained by the often prohibitive costs of medical care.  Although I certainly recognize her courage, no other trans person I know has ever received an award for it.  For most of us, being trans isn’t a series of road trips and adventures with our posse in The Mystery Machine.

My best guess is that her path is horrible.  From time to time I wish she’d spend a bit more time figuring herself out before she opines to the press.  Then I remember that the only difference between her microphone and my blog is the number of people paying attention.  She relishes the spotlight, but I doubt she could escape it either.  I take a breath, continue to wish her well and give her due props for enduring transition under the microscope.  Still, I can’t sit quietly when she backs a smug, ill-tempered, transphobic bigot for our nation’s highest office.  Even from a sister, this is unforgivable.

Well, almost.

 

Men are from Mars. Women are from…

Published / by rmaddy / 2 Comments on Men are from Mars. Women are from…

…Mars, apparently.  Or, at the very least the two appear to come from roughly the same general location rather than from separate planets 199 to 316 thousand miles apart.1

Surprised?  Of course you are.  For years you have been told that men’s and women’s brains simply could not be more different.  How we love to think this is the case, and how the popular press/trash-science/book tour/lecture circuit reinforces the meme.  Does not the Internet Itself tell us that it is true?  Nor will most transgender blogs2 disagree.  Indeed, this is the most common explanation for that condition which afflicteth me.  Girl brain in boy body.  Makes sense, right?

The Word for the Day is specious3–superficially plausible but actually false.

It turns out that that there is nothing in the universe quite so much like the brain of a woman as the brain of a man.  Sure, some degree of variance exists, but with substantial overlap.  Further, the differences that do exist often involve areas where better non-sexual explanations apply (e.g. the sensorimotor cortex is larger, on average, in men because their bodies, on average are larger), or MRI studies which measure regional blood flow, which may or may not have much to do with what is going on in terms of global function.  Now, even that evidence seems to be tilting against the male brain/female brain hypothesis.4

Take a look at this nifty graphic, from the footnoted study:

Whether I ask you “Don’t they look alike?” or “Don’t they look different?”, you will probably think “yes”, unless of course you are rather contrary5, in which case you will likely answer them both “no”.  Either way, if I remove the captions and show them to you in ten minutes, I guarantee that you won’t be able to tell which is which.  Don’t feel bad–neither can a neuroscientist, at least not with any degree of confidence or consistency.

Add to this the fact that we are now finding loads of evidence indicating that the brain is not some rigid entity fixed at birth, but rather a complex, moldable structure which develops in response to use.6.  The various characteristics (post-mortem brain measurements, blood flow on MRI) which were once used to argue for differences between male and female brains are strongly, in some cases chiefly, due to lived experience.  Mathematicians acquire capacity to do math over time and through practice, changing their brain structure and connectivity in the process. Developed changes will show up on the old brain MRI just as much as the supposed male/female distinctions.

So why do men and women seem to act so differently?  Well, again, largely because of what they have experienced.  Subtle and not-so-subtle social cues press on them from the moment of birth.  Before the moment of birth.  A boy who articulates his opinions clearly is a leader.  A girl who does the same thing is a bitch.  A crying toddler is told either, “Let it out” or “That’s enough now” depending on whether they is7 wearing pink or blue, which was also chosen for them.  You tell your nieces–but not your nephews–“Oh…you are so pretty!” so often that many of them grow up with paralyzing insecurities about their bodies.  The fact that my then-girlfriend-now-wife grew up thinking it was improper to call me on the phone almost resulted in us failing to connect.  I have endured soul-sucking shitty jobs at various points rather than to shirk my well-conditioned responsibility to provide.  A young girl learns that someday her prince will come–and that this is what will make her life complete–at the same time that boys are learning that cars can turn into robots and blow up lots of shit.

It will take time and effort to unpack what is helpful and harmful about the way we currently gender children.  First though, we need to stop seeing innate difference where it does not exist.  Boys are not born to build things.  Girls aren’t born more empathetic.  The fact that they eventually show differences in these areas is just as likely to owe to nurture as nature.   We should also start asking the question, “If not brain structure, then what?”  Personally, I think that some of the dots are rather easily connected.  Obsess about the physical beauty of little girls, and eventually they’ll do it too.  Give one kid a toy lawnmower and the other a toy tea set, and they might just develop different interests as time goes on.  As Aristotle said, “We are what we repeatedly do.”  Or have done to us.  Food for thought next time we plan a princess party for our BFF’s little angel or tell a timid adolescent male to grow a pair.

Which brings me at long last back to gender dysphoria.8  If male brains and female brains really aren’t much different, why do trans folk say that they have the wrong brain, or that they were born in the wrong body?  Two reasons.  First, we’ve been bathed in that same myth, and are no less drawn to its elegant, but unfortunately bullshit, simplicity.  Second, we are, as a group, rather prone to feeling shut out, judged and shamed.  We tell the stories that work, that convey the very real turmoil we experience in the manner least likely to produce a hostile response.  You know, the same thing you do when you explain why you are 10 minutes late to work.

“All things are relative,”  said Einstein.  Never, actually.9  Every narrative has a narrator, and most truth is personal truth.  It might be metaphorically useful to speak of mismatched brains and bodies, but that’s about it.  Brain function is incredibly complex and poorly understood.  We were foolish to think that firm conclusions could be drawn from the small variances in the way a brain looks on a scan or an autopsy table.

And, of course, we can’t really swap out brains or bodies anyway.  Of the two, bodies are quite a bit easier to alter, so we try to do that (for those who desire it), but it would be a gross oversimplification to say that therapy, hormones, surgery or some combination of the three “cure” transgender identity.  Better to acknowledge that it cannot be cured, or even better yet, that there is nothing that needs to be cured.

Being transgender is just my particular burden to bear, neither rare as it turns out, nor hopeless.  I write about it because I can, and I think maybe it helps.  Lots of things help.  Psychotherapy helps.  Having supportive friend and family helps.  Chocolate helps.  Learning to take charge of one’s transition helps.  Sleeping helps.  Going south once or twice per winter helps–a lot.

Perhaps the purest and finest Counseling McNugget my psychiatrist has given me over the years is that the real, lasting changes are gradual ones.  I occasionally run into a transsexual biography or blog in which the author says that that she felt better instantly once she started taking estrogen.  That’s wonderful, I suppose, but of course it’s also the placebo effect.  It takes 3 or more years for hormones to make a boy or girl into a man or woman.  Why would it be any faster for a fully formed adult?10  Knowledge11 seems to progress in this way.  We gradually let go of rigid concepts of cause and effect, looking rather to a more complex picture of influences and variations, probabilities and possibilities, subtle effects and shades of gray.  It takes longer to explain, doesn’t boil down to a pithy phrase and probably won’t sell as many books, but there you have it.

Finis.  I don’t think I have laid a 1500 word epic on you for quite a while.  My compliments to you for having worked your way to the bottom.  With any luck, I’ll be back in a week with another spellbinding installment, almost certainly about hair.  First though, a quick personal note.  Given all the whining I have done over the past months about this or that trial, I would be remiss if I did not mention that I feel fine.

Live long, and prosper.

 

Religious Liberty Laws

Published / by rmaddy / Leave a Comment

One would have to be positively comatose to not realize that an election cycle is upon us.  For the moment, personalities are trumping1 the issues, but eventually our national discourse will turn to the latter.  When they do, expect to hear a lot more rhetoric about protecting religious liberty.  My task today is to explain how religious liberty intersects with LGBT interests, and what I, as a trans person, hear when a candidate starts making promises to defend it.

The average queer American is somewhat religious, and probably becoming more so even as the national population moves in the opposite direction.  A Pew Research survey in 2015 found that while fewer LGB Americans aligned themselves with a faith than the general population (60% vs 80%), the percentage of homosexuals identifying as Christians increased from 40% to 48% since 2013 even as the percentage in the general population decreased from 78% to 71%.

It would seem, therefore, that LGBT folk have every reason to be interested in the preservation of religious freedoms.  Even post-religious, reprobate, demon-spawn heathens like me are all for such liberties.  Let people believe what they will.  Why then, do LGBT groups get in a lather when candidates pontificate on religious freedom or legislatures propose laws guaranteeing it?  The answer is that recent calls to “restore religious freedom” have nothing whatsoever to do with protecting religious freedom and everything to do with perpetuating discrimination against sexual and gender minorities.

Up until last year, an ideological struggle over the meaning of marriage raged throughout the nation.  Then, in June, the Supreme Court ruled2 that prohibitions against gay marriage were unconstitutional.  The battle ended overnight.  Or not.  Within months, Republican legislatures in 22 states proposed “religious freedom restoration acts” (RFRA).  Proponents asserted that churches with doctrinal objections to homosexual marriage should not be forced to sanctify such marriages.  Almost nobody would argue this point, but unfortunately the proposals do not stop there.

Broadly speaking, RFRA bills hold that LGBT persons may be denied goods, service and access if the individuals or businesses deny these things based on moral objection to homosexuality/transgender variance.  A baker who sells wedding cakes need not sell one to a lesbian couple.  A hotel which caters receptions need not rent out its space for a gay wedding.  Restaurants need not seat or serve transgender patrons.

Paradoxically, as gay marriage has become legal, discrimination against gays is actually increasing in some states.  It is still perfectly legal to fire someone for their sexual or gender identity in 28 states.  “Married on Saturday; Fired on Monday” is altogether too common.  In several bills, the state specifically nullifies any municipal bill which offers greater discrimination protection within its city limits.  In other words, if Minneapolis enacted a law which prevented housing discrimination against trans people, Minnesota could pass an RFRA law which rendered the city’s protections void.  Fortunately, Minnesota is not a state where such bills enjoy success.  In the Bible Belt, however, it is a different story.

Deliberate deception characterizes the public promotion of these laws.  Proponents opine that religious freedoms are “under attack”.  Churches, they say, will be forced to accept teachings that they cannot accept.  Preaching against homosexuality will become illegal.  Parents will be prevented from teaching their kids to abstain from pre-marital sex.  Such propaganda has worked to get RFRAs passed.  The end result is codification of discrimination such that a janitor can lose his job cleaning school classrooms or a nursing assistant be fired by an assisted living facility which objects to the fact that she has a girlfriend.  Unsurprisingly, RFRA proponents demonstrate little or no sympathy for the idea of laws protecting the practice of any religion but their own.  Donald Trump wants to stop Muslim immigration.  Ted Cruz states we should accept Christian refugees, but send Muslims to other countries.

The moral of the story is “Be careful what you wish for.”  I don’t want to live in a country where the government can tell a preacher what to say, but that is not really what is at stake here.  Instead, cover is being given to businesses that openly discriminate against non-straight clients.3  I choose to believe that we are better than this.

Highly Resolved

Published / by rmaddy / Leave a Comment

Image:  Odawara Sajawagara

Tis the season for resolutions.  I made three this year.  The first two–“turn off the light, close the pantry door” and “use nicer words”–require neither cajoling on my part, nor cooperation on the part of anyone else.  I will either succeed or fail entirely based on my own efforts.  The third is a horse of a different color.  I resolve to be consistently recognized as female in my most meaningful social interactions.

Those of you who have read this blog from the beginning may see this as a shift on my part.  I had, after all, said that my identity was stuck somewhere in the middle (but to the feminine side) of the binary spectrum of gender.  This remains true, of course largely due to factors well beyond my control (physical attributes, how I was socialized, etc).  Further, my conviction that future society must see gender as less “either/or” and tolerate broader ranges of self-expression remains unshaken.  Nevertheless, my sanity here and now requires that I find a way to navigate the awkward landscape of gender variance in a society that has not yet made these adjustments.  I have found, through years of ongoing experience, that staking out a spot near the center of the gender spectrum is uncomfortable and difficult–too difficult–for me.  Besides, the more permission I feel to explore my identity, the more toward the feminine side of the spectrum I seem to gravitate naturally.  Androgyny is a legitimate choice, but it is not mine.

Which brings me back to the resolution.  Despite explicit statements that I identify female and prefer feminine pronouns, I continue to be subjected to an incessant, daily barrage of masculine pronouns, “good sirs” and other increasingly ridiculous displays of insensitivity, poor perception and in some cases, not-so-passive aggression.  To some degree, I initially brought failure on myself by grossly underestimating the time it would take people to adjust and remember.1 Eighteen months after stating my preferences, though, I think it is reasonable to ask for and expect proper address.

Still, some still urge me to be patient.  Other women sometimes mention that they occasionally get called “sir”, as if to reassure me that they know how I feel.  Here’s the difference.  If someone calls another woman sir and the error is pointed out or realized, the person who made the mistake immediately feels foolish.  When someone calls me sir and I explain that this is not correct, I am the one generally taken for a fool.  It is hardly an isolated experience.  The first few on any given day I can generally handle, but the cumulative effect of dozens of incidents every day is like being slowly pecked to death.

I get the need for patience when people cannot see my face or have never met me (or another trans person) before.  The poor soul on the other end of the phone arrives at a gender judgment subconsciously.  The interaction still causes me discomfort, but does not provoke me to assign any blame.  If I would be free of these mis-assignments, I will need to climb the high mountain of vocal change.  I have been thinking long and hard on this decision, and currently lean rather strongly toward starting the effort.

Being mis-pronouned by a stranger, however, is not what this post is fundamentally about.  Nor is it about the person who means well and has made demonstrable effort, but occasionally makes a mistake, often catching it quickly afterwards.  These things I can deal with2.  What wears me to the bone are closer contacts who are no more likely to address me correctly now than they were a year and a half ago, and particularly those who, if corrected, act like I am being unreasonable or pushy.

Well, so be it. I resolve to correct anyway, toward the end of experiencing a daily coherence that 99% of the population takes entirely for granted.

This may prove challenging in my professional life.   Up until now, I have never once corrected a patient or visitor on the way they address me.  I reasoned that they arrived to my workplace with weightier matters on their minds, and that I had no right to impose further upon them.   Positive motives drove this choice, but in making it, I accepted something that I now realize I should not–that my personal dignity is to be regularly sacrificed for some sort of public good.  I’ll be honest, I’m not sure how I will take on the task of informing my clients respectfully that my pronouns are feminine.  It will take some planning and practice on my part, and I am certain I will screw it up until I find a way of communicating my identity that neither offends nor detracts from the business at hand.

As I said, I can not achieve the goal of being properly pronouned through individual effort.  I recognize that by making this resolution I am calling for others to do some heavy lifting.  To be sure, they may decline, and  I can’t force them to get it right.  I can, however, decide to eliminate potentially toxic relationships from my life.  And I will.  Yes, it really is that important to me.

I imagine that many kind hearted souls might be reading this and flogging themselves for having made pronoun mistakes along the way.  Please don’t.  Things like this really do take time.  I am just now drawing a line in the sand and asserting that I have the right to expect more going forward.  Most of you have tried so very hard, and I genuinely thank you from the bottom of my heart.

May I offer you some help though?  Trying to remember to do something that conflicts strongly with what you still think deep down doesn’t work.  The deep stuff always bubbles to the surface.  The primary change needs to happen down below.  Accept me as female, and the pronouns fall in line effortlessly.  To the extent that you mentally file me away as any version of “man posing as woman”, you will forever trip over the words.3  Change that and you will never make a hurtful mistake again.  It’s hard, and I can’t make you do it, but I hope you will.

Happy New Year to you all, and thank you again for taking the time to read.

Regret

Published / by rmaddy / 3 Comments on Regret

(Image credit:  Edvard Munch, Melancholy)

Seat belts on, good people.  This is a long and admittedly contentious post.  If you still wish to proceed but want to skip the History McNugget, feel free to jump down to here.  I’ll also point out a nice spot lower down where you can bail out well before the bottom of this soon-to-be classic.

**inhale**

Pressed to recall the name of an ancient physician, most people will come up with Hippocrates or perhaps Asclepius.  The former we remember for the oath bearing his name, wherein doctors promise to “first, do no harm”.  The latter was a mythological figure, son of Apollo, taught the healing arts by centaurs and so skilled in his craft that he learned to bring people back from the dead.1  In terms of historical influence, however, none surpass Claudius Galenus or simply, Galen (b. CE 127; d.circa CE 200).  A skilled anatomist, Galen moved medicine forward in a huge way, moving the seat of consciousness from the heart to the head, describing the double loop of the human circulatory system, demonstrating the bellows-like function of the ribcage and diaphragm, and pioneering several promising surgical techniques.  So influential was he that medicines were referred to as “galenicals”, and his writings formed the basis for medical education for 1600 years.

In fact, such reverence turned out to be a major problem.  The persistence of his teachings was not so much due not to their finality or accuracy, but rather to the intellectual paralysis of Christendom throughout medieval times, when veneration for tradition and dogma were seen to be the shortest road to knowledge.  To question Galen’s authority–as he, an inquisitive scientist, would have done–was widely considered medical heresy until roughly 1800.

Relics of Galenism persist in our language to this day.  As did Hippocrates before him, Galen believed that fluctuations of mood were caused by excesses of the “four  humors”–blood, bile, phlegm and black bile.  Healthy was the body in which these fluids balanced, but if they did not, one was said to be a person of ill humor.  Each particular type of imbalance resulted in a certain temperament, sanguine (blood), choleric (bile), phlegmatic and, as represented by Munch’s painting, above, melancholic (black bile).

I propose that the moral of this story is that the tradition of misinterpretation and mischaracterization of mental health issues in Western medicine runs very long and deep indeed.  “Humorism” is  only one bizarre example, paling in my opinion to hysteria (from the Greek hyster; uterus) a condition believed to be caused by the abnormal movements of the unsatisfied (i.e. not enough sex and childbirth) uterus in the woman’s body.  Next time someone tells you that you are being hysterical, feel free to answer either, “You must be mistaken…I don’t have a uterus,” or “Actually, I’m almost certain my uterus is in its proper anatomic position.”

**exhale**

Today I would like to delve into a more contemporary example of rampant pseudoscientific speculation–the phenomenon of transgender regret.  The general idea is that a) transgender people frequently experience disappointment following medical/surgical transition; b) remorse drives transgender people to despair, leading to complicated medical detransition2, depression and/or suicide; and that c) the media conspire to hide this fact from the public.

Let the good folks at Fox News be “Fair and Balanced”.  I have no intention of cloaking my belief that transgender regret is at best a specious medical myth, and at worst a deliberately deceptive smokescreen propagated largely by transphobic zealots in order to shame or frighten transgender people from seeking medical attention.  Nevertheless, I will charitably take upon myself if not the burden of proof, at least the full duty of persuasion.  I intend to demonstrate that transgender regret as it is depicted is, to quote one of my favorite nurses, “not even a thing.”

As with many conspiracy theories, there is no shortage of proponents, in this case reverberating like internet lighthouses about the treacherous rocks of gender transition and the looming fog of fawning media and a profit-seeking medical establishment.  Nevertheless, the movement has a patron saint, Walt Heyer, aka “the man who has had two sex changes”.  Walt lived as male until age 42, then transitioned medically (hormones) and surgically (SRS3), taking on the name Laura Jensen.  Initially, all seemed to be well, but the further he got from the surgery, the more disillusioned he became.  He eventually concluded that he had made a horrible mistake, and that his cross gender feelings were the result of childhood trauma, including sexual abuse.  Eight years later, he renounced his transition and re-asserted himself as Walt.  Since that time, he has become a tireless voice cautioning against gender transition.  Now in his mid-seventies, he contributes to frequently to conservative media and blogs at http://www.sexchangeregret.com.

As too often happens in areas of controversy, transgender advocates and allies often see ad hominem attacks on Mr. Heyer as the most efficient way of destroying his arguments.  I reject that route.  I am fiercely protective of my own prerogative to tell my story, and no less so of Heyer’s to tell his.  I take his word for it that his transgender feelings were no less genuine than mine, and certainly real enough to him at the time.  Neither will I dispute his current conviction, that what he thought was gender dysphoria was actually fallout from childhood psychological trauma.  If he says that he feels happier and whole having de-transitioned, I have no reason to doubt him.  And finally, I assert that he has as good of a claim to the use of internet bandwidth as I do.  Echoing Evelyn Beatrice Hall, I disapprove of what he says, but I will defend to the death4 his right to say it.

In short, I have no quibbles whatsoever with the biographical reflections of Walt Heyer, or even to his assertion that some transsexuals eventually de-transition or even commit suicide.  Some clearly do.  My beef is with a larger movement which overstates risks and trivializes benefit of generally effective therapies, piles shame and disinformation on already vulnerable people, and which, despite increasingly savvy packaging, can barely disguise its roots in religious fervor and/or transphobic bigotry.

Before going further, let me summarize what we know about the efficacy of medical transition a this point.  First, somewhere northwards of 90% of patients who have had SRS report being happy that they did.  Less well understood is whether they are are objectively better off post-transition.  One study, for example, reported that 90% of patients were satisfied or very satisfied with SRS, but a less rosy 66% stated that they were “satisfied with life as it is now.”  It would be interesting to know how non-transgender people with no experience of SRS would respond to that second question, which to my eye appears substantially more profound and complex.  Another study places post-operative satisfaction at 95%, with  dissatisfaction being related to quality of results rather than recantation of their new gender assignment, but only 62% of these patients were judged by clinicians to have have an overall favorable outcome.

Of more recent concern, a 2011 Swedish study appears to demonstrate with varying degrees of statistical support that post operative transsexuals experience more cardiovascular disease, cancer, suicide and all-cause mortality than the general population.  Tipping my hand a little bit, transphobic activists love this study, whether or not they seem to have read it.  Additionally, a British review of more than 100 international studies said that there is no conclusive evidence for the overall efficacy of SRS.  Among the barriers to establishing clinical benefit are studies with poor rates of followup and an alarming number of really shitty papers lacking in scientific merit.  Reviewers concede that in order to really understand the benefits, they would need a large group of control patients who were denied hormones and surgery for comparison, and that doing so would be cruel and unethical given that so far, these interventions are the only things that have been reported as beneficial by the patients themselves.  Finally, just last month Swedish investigators reported that transwomen (MTF) who had hormones and surgery experienced less cardiovascular disease than patients who had hormones only.  This is the most recent of a very small number of studies that recognize transition as a series of possible interventions rather than one process.

Clear as mud, right?  Now that you have the lay of the land, we can move on to the transgender regret controversy, unless of course, you have already learned enough for one day and find you have no further fucks to give, in which case, I bid you a fond sayonara, wish you a Happy Festivus and encourage you to return in 2016 for what will almost certainly be a series of shorter, sweeter posts.

To you very clever souls remaining, I now pose the question:  With so much uncertainty regarding how to optimally treat gender dysphoria, what is so wrong with those who are campaigning to discourage transition?

Heyer projects his personal experience on the rest of the transsexual population.  Heyer spent the better part of a decade receiving treatments which left him feeling maimed, disfigured and deeply unhappy.  I think we can all agree that this is a profoundly shitty treatment outcome.  He came to the conclusion that it is impossible to change gender5, and now labors fervently to see that no one else makes the same mistake.

Let’s concede that SRS really was a mistake for Heyer and recognize that he is not the only person to have come to such a conclusion, nor to have de-transitioned.  Still, a bit of proportion is in order.  There are somewhere between 15 and 20 thousand SRS procedures being performed annually in the US alone.  How much prognostic significance can one rationally ascribe to one man’s regret?

For every Walt Heyer, there are one hundred others with no personal experience of gender dysphoria, who display little understanding of the science involved, but who nevertheless commit intense effort and bandwidth to giving others medical advice on the subject .  Even though I disagree profoundly with Heyer, I have no difficulty whatsoever assuming that he has charitable motives.  He suffered greatly, and wants no one else to have to repeat his story.  What drives the rest of the fanatics?  Read their pages if you want to make an educated guess.  Some are peppered with links to ministry sites and others to comment streams seething with hatred for LGBT people, liberals, and “elites”.  Often the two seem to go hand in hand.  Genuine humanitarian concern?  Not much that I can tell.

One of the hallmarks of conspiracy theorists is a reliance on “smoking guns”, i.e. pointing to an anecdote or single piece of data to invalidate a much larger body of evidence.  A parallel example would be the man who witnesses an above average seasonal snowfall in his backyard and concludes that climate change is bunk.  To transphobic activists, Walt Heyer is the smoking gun which confirms their bigotry.  See?  There’s no such thing as transgender.  It’s just a bunch of crazies and queers.

The trans regret crowd tends to draw unsupportable conclusions from the available data, sometimes against the explicit advice of the scientists themselves.  The 2011 Swedish study, for example, really did demonstrate increased mortality risk in post-operative transsexuals, particularly from suicide.  However, as I have previously mentioned, people with untreated gender dysphoria are already at extremely high risk for suicide attempts.  The anti-transition activists conclude that SRS shouldn’t be done because of the risks, but this would be like observing that more people died after heart bypass surgery than those who never had it, then concluding that heart surgery causes death.  Perhaps, instead, having heart surgery is risky, but not having it is worse, and people who need the procedure are already more apt than others to die.  In the authors’ words:

In other words, the results should not be interpreted such as sex reassignment per se increases morbidity and mortality. Things might have been even worse without sex reassignment.

Trans regret agitators imagine a world where sexual reassignment surgery is the common end point of all transgender therapy, and that patients are being corralled towards it.  It isn’t, and they aren’t.  Many trans people don’t seek SRS.  Those who want to medically transition cannot simply choose to do so.  Instead, they must navigate a long, expensive and often humiliating screening process.  First, they must see a qualified mental health professional to be evaluated for the possibility of gender dysphoria.  If verified, they may be referred to an endocrinologist, who may or may not choose to prescribe hormonal therapy.  Prior to evaluation for SRS, the patient must take hormone therapy for at least a year with regular medical followups and engage in a Real Life Test (RLT), essentially living as the target gender 100% of the time.  If they still express interest in surgery they must be seen by at least two physicians who assess for improved psychosocial functioning and fitness throughout the RLT. Wondering if Caitlyn Jenner has had bottom surgery?  Don’t.  At most she is in the latter months of her RLT.6   If they certify the candidate for surgery, the patient still must face multiyear waiting lists for procedures costing tens of thousands of dollars.

I have friends who are eager for surgery and others who are less so or not at all. Still others have been forced to give up for reasons, principally financial, beyond their control.  The current screening process can be miserably cumbersome for those committed to that path.  Further, they are generally at the mercy of mental health professionals (whether or not they experience concomitant mental illness) as the ultimate arbiters of their fate in a way that no other person seeking cosmetic or reproductive surgery would have to do.

For better or worse, this is how the system is set up.  The treatment of gender dysphoria starts with slow, gradual and fully reversible steps which must incrementally be followed with frequent re-evaluation before more drastic and irreversible steps are considered.  Trans regret sites often count those who tried and stopped an intervention, e.g. hormonal therapy, as cases of de-transition and regret instead of cases of careful and controlled trials of therapy.  There is nothing speedy about the process.  My personal experience is that my psychiatrist asked me what my current level of interest in SRS was at my first appointment and hasn’t mentioned it since.  I certainly don’t feel like I am being railroaded by some nefarious Psychiatric Plastic Surgical Syndicate.

They massively overstate the frequency and intensity of post operative regret.  Numerous studies have demonstrated patient satisfaction rates around 95%, and further state that dissatisfaction, when it occurs, often pertains to unfulfilled expectations or surgical complications more so than recanted decisions.  Trans regret sites grab much higher numbers by mixing and matching from different studies, adding or multiplying non-equal factors, or sometimes simply pulling a number out of their ass.

Yes…the rate of post-operative dissatisfaction for transsexuals really is quite remarkable, but in precisely the opposite manner that Heyer and others suggest.  Consider what the SRS patient can look forward to.  First, they have to stop taking hormones pre-operatively to minimize clotting complications.  This disrupts the sense of wellbeing that the hormones often provide for them, meaning that they show up for surgery a wreck.  Then there is the surgery itself.  MTFs7 can expect a minimum of several months of convalescence.  Most procedures eventually result in a visually and functionally convincing vagina, but in those vulnerable hours when patients first awaken, they see a bruised, unrecognizable mess, quickly followed by severe pain, urinary retention, phantom itches that they can no longer scratch and a use-it-or-lose-it cavity which initially requires up to two hours per day of painful self-dilation for 6 months to a year.  If they ever let up in this task, the vagina will close up like an unused piercing.  Eventually becomes stable enough to be kept open by frequent penetrative intercourse8, but life being what it is, the dilators will do most of the heavy lifting for the rest of their lives, or as long as they keep up the maintenance regimen, whichever comes first.

For FTMs, hormonal therapy works better9, but the surgical prospects are worse.  First, they must undergo the complex psychological screening above before getting “top surgery” (mastectomy) despite the fact that a woman may opt for a nearly identical process (generally for breast cancer risk reduction, although it is not yet medically clear that this intervention actually achieves that goal) simply by signing her consent.  If they should opt for “bottom surgery” (SRS) the complexities ratchet up dramatically  The adage states, “It is easier to dig a hole than build a pole.”  Current technology cannot offer the prospect of a either a visually compelling or a fully functional penis.  The FTM might achieve, depend on which procedure he selects, a cosmetically decent phallus which may or may not be able to pass urine, but cannot become erect.  A different procedure offers a micropenis that can still orgasm, but cannot pee.

These are but tiny glimpses of the harrowing ordeal which transsexual patients endure and yet for the most part find to be worthwhile.  Despite the known hazards and limitations of SRS, people line up for it and experience far more satisfaction after these surgeries than for almost any other for which we have such data.  Better than gastric banding and other bariatric (weight loss) surgeries.  Way better than for non-transgender related cosmetic surgeries.  Hell…better than knee replacement.

They recommend repentance and prayer to transgender people as an alternative to medical care.  If Jesus gets you through your cold, caffeine addiction or cancer, I say good for both of you.  However, I am also in the business of mediating human suffering.  I’ve seen plenty of people cured by God until they weren’t, at which point their further suffering was just confirmation that his ways are higher than ours.  Walt Heyer can ascribe whatever spiritual meaning he wants to his struggle, as long as he follows it up with a hearty YMMV10  If he found clarity in religion, I am happy for him.  My own experience was that religion so muddied my thinking with guilt and false narratives that I was unable to figure out that I was transgender until well into my 30’s and what to do about it until long after that.  I just lacked faith, or hadn’t prayed enough, or was too busy rebelling against God.  Again, YMMV.

Recommending prayer is probably fairly innocuous, in my opinion.  Recommending repentance however is reprehensible, implying that being transgender is a moral failing, or represents a lack of faith.  Take this burden upon yourself if you must, but doing so to a frightened child who can’t make sense of her identity is abuse.  And the irony!  God would never want you to mutilate your body by “cutting off your penis.”11  He would, however, like us all to hold down screaming infants who could not possibly understand or offer consent and cut off the last little bit on the end.  He put it there to give us an opportunity to show faith.  Besides, it doesn’t really hurt them at that age, right?12

This all sounds vaguely familiar.  The sort of fear-mongering we encounter regarding SRS is not without precedent.  Remember Post Abortion Stress Syndrome (PASS)?  Medical experts disagree on whether it exists in its own right or as a special case of PTSD.  My reading suggests that most lean toward the latter, and that if it does occur, it can be difficult to tease out whether the woman suffers stress due to the abortion itself, or from pre-existing factors which may well have entered into her decision to have the procedure in the first place.    However, several things strike me as obvious.   First, there an awful lot of medically and/or scientifically unqualified people–in some cases the very same people–offering expert opinion to complete strangers on this matter.  Second, the critiques I offered above can all be applied to with very little modification to PASS.  Third, opponents invoke a largely hypothetical syndrome in hopes of discouraging, restricting or outright banning others from having this procedure.  And finally, most women, coincidentally enough 95% again, never experience it.

It is no accident that I started to understand what it meant to be transgender shortly after the internet became an efficient vehicle for the dissemination of information.  What was previously embarrassing or even impossible to find out in the public library was now available with a click of a mouse (after that really obnoxious telephone modem sound).  My private hell was suddenly something that also happened to other people, some of whom had stories to which I could relate.   This not to say that I didn’t encounter a lot of junk on the internet too.  You can easily imagine what comes up with the pertinent search terms.

For my part, I am glad that Walt Heyer’s site was not the first that I encountered back then. In my confused state I might have accepted his disinformation and personal opinions as fact.  The best antidotes for propaganda are calling it out for what it is and seeking a greater understanding of what it means to be transgender.  On the medical side, this means more and better scientific study, looking critically at what helps and what does not.  Thanks to research done so far, we are beginning to understand the importance of mental health support for transgender people whether or not they surgically transition, and that surgery itself, while helpful, probably does not completely cure depression or mitigate suicide risk.  This is vital information, but not yet presenting sufficient reason to suggest that the safest course is abandonment of medical and surgical therapies that transgender patients themselves consistently report as helpful and positive.  For your part, it means trudging through what recently seems like a endless barrage of information on transgender issues so that the next kid who looks to you for help might find compassion, acceptance and referral to effective care.

In that light, I genuinely thank you for reading this far.